Recently, there has been a voice inside my soul constantly vying to know where my life is going. A perpetual plight of uncertainty-infused wonder... and on the days when I remember to don my rose-colored glasses, a continuous state of dreaming...
Although I knows deep down that the world is my oyster, every day I plead with the universe for a little direction; the smallest clue to help guide my future. A tiny amount of assurance that my hopes + dreams will someday come true. Preferably, sooner than later.
She has mastered the art of finding the beauty in the small things that make up the atmosphere around her; why do they not please her on a level deeper than aesthetics? Her life is an exhilarating, interminable unfolding; why is there an urgency to discover it all in a day's work?
I was never one who was able to find satisfaction in banal tasks, like a job or school. I was never good at living my life for myself... and I flat-out fail when it comes to applying meaning to a life without love... for as grateful as I am for the opportunities hard work has afforded me, they do not make me feel alive inside. They do not define who I am. They do not embody my heart. They are merely mundane chores...
... but they are also important pieces, lessons + what not, that will add a very, rare beauty to the final product. They are molding me in to something stronger, someone better... so when the dust finally settles, my reflection will not be one full of regrets + could-have-beens but that of a girl who stepped outside her comfort zone and found a utopia, where every wish her heart ever clamored for came true. A perfect castle in the sky hallmarked by its imperfections.
It's easy to lose sight of this bigger picture when the feeling of temporary permeates the presence so much that it begins to cloud my periphery... but a weekend escape to the vineyards with good girlfriends is exactly the solidarity that I needed to bring my life back in to perspective.
The day could not have been more perfect. Big, beautiful blue skies with rays of sunshine peeking through every tree branch, hollow-post mill and front porch lattice. There was a breeze cool enough to allow you to wear boots + tights + scarves but brisk enough to remind you that it is January and you are one of the lucky ones soaking up sunshine.
We ate brunch at a pancake house + much later, returned for an Italian dinner in Solvang. We traversed through wine country all afternoon, stopping at two different wineries to shmooze with sommeliers of our vintage before heading to my absolute favourite place - Los Olivos.
I'm not sure if it was the local wine perfectly paired with my favourite thing in the entire world... cupcakes! by {enjoy}... or the free tasting by the adorable grandson of the family-owned label, Sarloos & Sons, or the oil + balsamic tasting by the olive oil enthusiast who reminded us of our grandma{s} but when in this quaint one-street town, I die.
It was an absolute perfect weekend. One in which I repeatedly thought to myself: I seriously love my life:::Life doesn't get any better than this:::This is what they mean by actually live each day:::I am exactly where I need to be:::Livingthedream.
I cried yesterday... an ironic "good cry" that I have not endured in a long while... What started as a few tears streaming down my face quickly escalated in to an unfurling of my heart right on to the pavement on the corner of Greenwood and 65th. While it was painful + prompted me to make a rash decision {Read: buy an overpriced striped cowl scarf}, when I returned to my senses, it felt incredible... to know that my heart has found its beat again, one of the reckless + wild abandon variety... with all of its entirety, naturally.
In a habitual text to my bestie whenever I am reduced to tears, she simply replied, "Why does it make you cry?" And after a long conversation in which I threw out every vulnerability that rose to the surface to make this good cry a purifying great cry, I made peace with my predicament realizing that it should not make me cry... no matter how much it scares me. It could be just as exciting as it is scary if I could learn to throw caution to the wind + let it unfold in the exact pattern that it is meant to. No matter what direction, whether it be hit the ground running or fly over the moon, it would be worth it to give it a chance.
As I watched LA get swallowed up in a cloud of smog Monday morning, I made a conscious effort from the sky to bottle up that incredible feeling of contentment + save it for moments like yesterday when the unknowns of my current every day catalyze a fury of angst + I forget that I'm okay. I forget that I am strong + confident + worth it. I forget that being far from home is only temporary + this next year will fly by.
I forget that I have my entire life to get to where I am going and at twenty-five, my life has not only superseded where I need it to be... but it is exactly where I want it to be.
And that is reason enough to uncork my contentment + celebrate.
And that is reason enough to uncork my contentment + celebrate.
