silhouettes + scientists.

hidden behind a {smile}.

Being completely raw + vulnerable, the photo on the left was taken literally minutes before the photo on the right yesterday (it was not by choice I had to do a mini-photoshoot, too... where naturally, the light was all wrong + the poses were all awkward). From the moment I woke up, I knew it was going to one of those days... where nothing seemed to go right. Where you feel overwhelmed because your overcommitted self is being pulled in a million different directions + all you can do is spin recklessly in circles. Where you feel uncertain about where your life will be in a short four weeks from now. Where you find a family photo that is missing you. Where a post titled "six" you scheduled to post April 26th way back in January surfaced on its own yesterday... and sent a surge of pain through my spine. Where you cannot silence the whisper from the void of your heart that has been growing louder and louder as you figure out what it is that makes you undeniably happy... instead of fading away, like everyone promised would happen with the passage of time. It will get  easier, they said. Just give it time. Where you fear the unknown + struggle with the things you cannot control. Where you are starting to realize your  pursuit of happiness is leading you right back to where you started... and you wonder if he feels it, too...
Be still my heart, sometimes right back where you started from is right where you belong.

"How long do you wait until you can be certain that he's not coming back this time?" she asked. "I'm not sure," she replied. "Knowing you, you will give him all the time in the world."

SoU(L)Cast

I decided if I ever truly want to write a best-selling novel about the “real things”, I should actually start practicing writing about the “real things”… sans the Splenda-coating I tend to add to every detail in the fabric of my life. The pathological optimist in me has always wanted to reserve my (cyber) space at Suburbs of Utopia (SoU) for all the wondrous things I love; my own little happy place to relish in fancy and rejoice in fabulous. But I tend to ONLY write about the amazing and when I find myself in a less-than-incredible rut, I catch myself bottling up the negatives and sadly, losing sight of the happy(s) having no outlet to psychoanalyze/process the hard things (which I’ve learned is imperative for me to do in order) to properly let them go… and get back to celebrating the serendipity!! For that is who I really am + I mustn’t ever lose sight of my happy-go-lucky self.

I’m calling these rare entries of tribulations + turmoil SoU(l)Casts- little time-outs in LIFE to remind me that it’s okay to be brutally honest. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to be human…

and Hansel said to Gretel ...

"And Hansel said to Gretel, 'Let us drop these breadcrumbs so that together we find our way home, because losing our way would be the most cruel of things.'  Losing your way on a journey is unfortunate, but losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel. And once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely.  Because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you were meant to be -- the person you wanted to be -- the person you are."

**An awesome part about having a best friend in the entertainment industry is that when you e-mail her in a state of emotional turmoil she will know exactly what perfectly executed line from a TV show to quote that will instantly make you feel like you are doing the right thing... and its her continual advice (even though you don't always listen right away) and support (even though you've fallen to pieces) that eventually allows you to stop doubting yourself and know you will be okay... thanks C.H. **  

one tree, not two.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." -St. Augustine

whowhatwhenwherewhy.

Who will you reach for in the middle of the night?

What do you revolve around when the centre of your world is removed from your universe?

When do start to believe it + stop wishing he'll realize what he's casually disregarding?

Where do you go when the only home you know is in his arms?

Why are the shatters in my heart so excruciating if it's the right thing to do?

hush, my clamoring heart.

My fragile heart,

It's okay to cry.

You loved with your entirety and now that that love has left you, you feel hollow. 

To fear you may drown in your tears is a part of the healing process; a poetic washing away of the heartache that encumbers you now. 

A fierce burning almost crippling in your chest, as one heart separates back in to two.
The pain catalyzed by the severing of ties can be immense but know that time truly does heal. 

It is time to redirect your focus on reclaiming your own happiness.

Find solace in knowing you have made the right decision in letting go.
It is not a failure.  It is a life lesson. 

It may be hard to discern tangled up in a web of happy memories and "what could have beens" but now you must unweave the heart strings woven around a fairy tale that doesn't exist. 

You shared many laughs, many goals, many moments of intimacy. 
He knew you well; in your rawest form. 

Sometimes no amount of shooting stars or pennies can make your wishes come true + when you realize this, you have to dream a new dream.

You will feel him next to you while you dream.

It is okay to miss him.

It's okay to cry.

paradox.

“I have found the paradox,

that if you love until it hurts, 

there can be no more hurt, 

only more love.”

-Mother Teresa

(Asst) Coach Carefoot.

teeeheeeheee... look what I found googling (have I mentioned how much I love google!?) how to spell the hockey team that Mitch is coaching. I was going to write a blog post about how all last winter I almost harassed Mitch more about how he should become a coach (because of how much he loves and knows the game) than getting a Yellow Lab and then he was coincidentally offered an assistant coaching position this season. I didn't realize it meant practicing or playing hockey EVERY night of the week til midnight ... keep in mind, this shift-working nurse gets home after he leaves for the rink and goes to bed waayyy before he gets home! Then I was going to go off on a tangent about how can they expect hockey players to not act like womanizing, chauvinistic manwhores when their Junior League teams have names like "The Railers"!! Anywho, I will let this article do the talking for me as I had no idea this existed and therefore am assuming Mitch did not want me to see it ... probably in fear that I would post it on my blog ..... He's pretty humble when it comes to his accomplishments and just how amazing he is at hockey so I will do the bragging for him as I'm ecstatically impressed by this article. *Who knew I was dating an IronMan?!* ;)

Railers Ecstatic to add assistant coach with pro experience

Mitch Carefoot

Mitch Carefoot played 2 seasons in the Manitoba Junior Hockey league, years in which he was drafted in the 2nd round of the WHL, took part in the Viking Cup, MJHL/SJHL all star game, as well as the World Under 17 hockey tournament. He was then traded to the Salmon Arm Silverbacks of the BCJHL where he spent a season before leaving for the NCAA.

Chosen in the 2004 NHL entry draft by the Atlanta Thrashers, Mitch spent 4 years at Cornell University in Ithaca, NY. He won one ECAC and two IVY league championships at Cornell and was named Assistant Captain and team MVP in his senior year. Along with his on ice contributions, Mitch was able to balance his school work at the IVY league school and was named to the All-IVY League Academic team 3 years.

After leaving Cornell , Mitch spent two years with the Phoenix RoadRunners, the affiliate of the San Jose and Worcester Sharks. Mitch attended the Atlanta thrashers rookie camp two years and the Milwaukee Admirals of the AHLs’ training camp before his second season in the ECHL. After being sent back to Phoenix RoadRunners of the ECHL he was named team captain and was awarded the team Iron-Man and most dedicated awards at the end of the season.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, Mitch was forced to give up the game. He now looks to bring his experience of playing competitive hockey and give back to the junior players in Manitoba.

family portrait.

I'm not really sure why my hair decided to style itself in to a mullet (on my head, there is no business. It's always a party in both back & front and just because I currently reside in Canada where everyone seems to be out of the early 90's, I am not okay with mullets!) on the day of the Carefoot family portrait photo shoot but thankfully, unlike photographs (particularly ones blown up and framed in the Carefoot living room), hairstyles do not last forever. Here's a more recent photo of the 'do I'm rockin' these days. Although I obviously did not follow through, I had every intention of dying my hair back to dark brown when I set my appointment. Oh well, blondes have waaay more fun anyways!

gerber daisies + gerber babies.

Cameron enjoying some of Charleigh's birthday (cup)cake!

auntie-in-training.

Are these two little cutie pies not just the sweetest?? Charleigh and Cameron are Mitch's brothers' daughters that were born a month apart right before I moved up here! I have had an entire year (almost to the date) of practice to perfect my auntie skills before my very own niece arrives just 3 days away!! I can hardly wait for Reese's arrival ... tentatively set for THIS Wednesday!

turning one.

Today Mitch's niece Charleigh turned one and I had the fabulous pleasure of creating her birthday suit: a pink + purple tutu carefully crafted with ribbon + tulle

It was a lovely day for a party on their patio complete with yummy cupcakes + lots of presents for the special birthday girl!

{mitchell's} sick-isms.

It's amazingly endearing (in a way) how much being sick reduces men in to little boys. When Mitch texted me today to say that he was going home from work vomiting, I immediately thought " I knew I should just stay out of the kitchen!" I attempted to make dinner last night for the very first time in our co-habitance history (eggplant parmesan for those foodies out there) and strangely enough, Mitch wakes up the next day with a stomach flu. Coincidence? I thought not until I found out... everyone is sick. We stayed at Mitch's aunt's house this weekend and it seems a stomach bug is rapidly sweeping thru the family ... So far, I feel like a peach and I hope it stays that way as I started my first of four shifts today and don't want to spread it thru my unit. After working 12 hours, I returned home (after stopping to get electrolytes) to a super sick, febrile, couch-ridden Mitch, puke bucket in hand, ready to start my next shift with my live-in patient. I'm not used to having patients that can talk and it was quite entertaining the "sick-isms" that were leaving his mouth:

I have H1N1. I saw it on Jeopardy.

I might be dying!! You don't know that...

Will you rub my feet?

Your eyes look stunning.

I have nightmares when I'm sick (about what?) ... about fevers. ..... Stop laughing at me.

You have a very voluptuous left breast.

I have a heart beat in my chest. I hope it's not cancer.

You look beautiful.

Can you read me Harry Potter?

You look like Jennifer Aniston right now. Go look.

Can you make me a piece of bread? With butter? & Honey? (Butter? Not peanut butter?) I just don't know what peanut butter will do to me. It may coat my intestines...

I'm actually kinda sad he went to bed at 9:30. It was kinda entertaining taking care of "sick Mitch" and I'm not really looking forward to sleeping on the futon tonight.

live with. dream with. love.

Today I will marry my friend,

the one I will live with, dream with and love

This past weekend Mitch and I drove down to Minneapolis for his good friend from the East Coast league's wedding. It was such a beautiful wedding surrounded by all the great people in Gino and Laura's life! I don't think Gino stopped smiling the entire day; it was so adorable how excited/happy he was to be marrying his best friend! While the newlyweds headed off to St. Lucia, Mitch and I headed to the Mall of America and spent a couple of days in the Twin Cities before coming back to the Peg yesterday! I was very excited to know that M.O.A. is only 4 hours further from my usual monthly drive to Fargo! =)

i want you.

So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.

lost in translation.

It was such a nice day outside so Mitch and I went to Assiniboine Park and spent our mid-afternoon reading books in the sunshine today. It's not very often that I lay out in parks but when I am do I'm always reminded of the time someone (although I can't remember who) recommended Carly and I go lay out at the Boboli Gardens when we were living in Florence. It was such a beautiful day and we just wanted somewhere to relax with a book after five weeks of traveling literally everyday so we packed a towel & a novel and trekked across the city up to the very top of the Boboli Hill. We entered through an amazing palace, the Palazzo Pitti, where the famous Medici family once lived (?- I'm not very good with historical facts but something Medici happened here). We were surrounded by an amazing collection of sculptures, grottos and gardens and the greenery looked like am amazing place to relax in the sun. Within seconds after we had laid out our towel and stripped down to our bikinis, a security man came over quite frazzled and in broken English told us that sunbathing was not permitted in the Gardens. I remember being quite confused as a local specifically told us this was one her favourite things to do (I think). Obviously, something was lost in translation - like she actually laid out in a garden near the Boboli or similar to the Boboli but it couldn't have possibly been the actual Giardino di Boboli. Upon returning to the US and being reunited with the internet, I remember googling the Boboli Garden and in retrospect, I've decided that our Italian mishap would be similar to an Italian laying out in Arlington Cemetery.

the truth is.

The truth is, I'd rather do nothing with you than something with anyone else.

behind the scenes.

While in LA a couple of months ago, Mitchell and I met up with one of his friends from college who works in creative advertising at Universal Studios making movie trailers and as she put it, tricking people in to seeing not so great movies like Couples Retreat. She took us on a private tour behind the scenes via golf cart to see all the studios on the Universal lot like the plane crash site in War of the Worlds and the original Jaws set. Desperate Housewives was filming that day so we didn't get any pictures on Wisteria Lane but it was fun being able to hop on and hop off and run thru all the sets especially where Westerns are filmed with the saloons with the small doors to make the cowboys look huge! =)