Monday, November 15, 2010

my therapist, taylor.

I have worked almost every day the last week + am working almost every day until I leave. 12 shifts + 160 hours is one way to make the days fly by until I can leave. For twelve hours of the day, my mind is focused on one, incredibly special baby that I have taken care of every shift since I gave my notice. I'm hoping I can find a way one day to articulate what makes him so special without violating any privacy laws but the complexity of his condition has me facing, figuring out how to handle and overcoming huge obstacles on a daily basis. I have sat up with excitement when my alarm goes off in the morning at 5:55 and haven't even been hitting snooze 47 times before I finally get up because I look forward to going to work to see "my boy".
By now, the word is definitely out that I am leaving my job + in the few spare moments I find in my days to take a break, I have been inundated with an overwhelming response from my colleagues to my impending departure. I have engaged in so many great conversations, shed many tears at their such kind words and have acquired some great life advice from the wonderful women (and Sam!) I work with. I've always felt that I was naturally inclined to being a neonatal nurse; its my passion. It's the only career that's ever made sense and when you truly love what you do, it makes it pretty easy to be "naturally good" at what you do. "Going the extra mile" for my sweet, tiny babies everyday was just the way I chose to "do my job" and I hardly realized it hasn't gone unnoticed until I have heard at least twice a day for the past 2 weeks how much my leaving will be a huge loss for my unit. There are so many people at my job that have contributed to me "being a great nurse who will do great things!" I can't thank them enough, not just in regards to the work-related things but the casual conversations that taught me a lot about myself, too. The benefit to working with women who have all been there for twenty years is that they are all not only great resources for nursing questions but great advisors for the life things too.  
Between the two ways I've been dividing the time of my day, I feel pretty exhausted when I get in my car each night. It's become a horrible habit of some sort that I burst in to tears right about the time I drive past my old apartment (and continue on to my cousin's), a part of me wishing I could crawl in to our bed again, the other part wishing I could leave tonight. This is about the time I blast Taylor Swift's cd and bawl the rest of the drive home. It's these 20 minutes with Taylor that really help me let out the sadness that I bottle up inside to get through the day. As I look back on the songs that have helped me get over past break-ups, I noticed that T. Swift has been present in all 3 of them... it's like she times her record releases with my heartbreaks. In college, it was Picture to Burn, Teardrops on My Guitar, Cold As You and Should've Said No that helped me move on. Almost 3 Christmases ago, it was White Horse, You're Not Sorry + The Way I Love You that I played repeatedly until I couldn't feel anymore. Currently, Back to December, The Story of Us and Last Kill (Freudian slip) Kiss are the tracks that lyrically say my feelings exactly...
Unbeknownst to her, she's kinda like my therapist, except instead of charging $100/hr, its a one time purchase of $12.99 at Target.

I betcha would have never guessed the way this post started ... even thru the middle... it would have ever ended with Taylor Swift.

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