Monday, November 29, 2010

the thinker.

"She scares me to death when she thinks and drives ...."

At times, I think my mind is my own worst enemy. My unruly imagination exacerbates the blind optimism that often accompanies (my) hopeless romanticism. Sometimes, it renders me unable to differentiate pragmatic thoughts from the idealistic surreality I create in my (day)dreams. It is this same cognizance that keeps me up at night. wishing. hoping. thinking. It is the reason I am awake right now. It is the reason I will feel like I am in a fog all day tomorrow. It is its resonance that makes me think I will never be able to quit anything cold turkey; why when something comes terribly close to ending, it catalyzes a sequelae of undefeatability that tells me this could be the new beginning to a very beautiful thing + I find myself fighting for it harder than I ever have. It is the reason I just drove thirty-two hours by myself and didn't feel an ounce of loneliness. It is the reason why instead of using that time on the road to shed my heavy heart of the woes of Winnipeg to start (mentally) fresh when I arrived in Knoxville, I spent it ruminating about the next five years and (accidentally) compartmentalizing all the things I really want to happen that can very well land me right back where I started from. It is the ironic reasoning as to why I couldn't see where I wanted to be having a steady job, an apartment, etc. but now that I have no stability or direction, my future is suddenly crystal clear to me. Now more than ever. I've figured out what I want. I know what I need. I've learned the difference between the two. For some, the hardest part is knowing what you want but for me, the real challenge lies in fitting all of what I want (and  this lover of the world wants a lot!) in to the same place... on the same page. Suffice it to say, those mountains are much easier to move in my head.

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