Sunday, January 09, 2011

resonating resolutions.

I've tried to write a post... this post...  so many times in the last week highlighting all the ways in which I was going to make 2011 the best year yet. A detailed compilation of all the resolutions I would be making to ensure that I accomplished many great things in the next 365 days. I imagined it to include a plethora of life-changing endeavors, like it usually does. I would adorn my scrap paper with doodles and squiggles and glitter... my, how I love when things shimmer! It would have little, square boxes to check off marking the completion of said mini victories and a reward... a sweet, sweet reward. This lovely hand-drawn list would turn into a beautiful outline of how I was going to change the world... or at least my little world... in this next chapter...

...But as the clock struck midnight on the eve of this incredible, new beginning,  I found myself lost on a checkered dance floor drowning in a sea of sweaty strangers... clutching a cup of spirits garnished with some sort of citrus... in a pair of heels that were slowly breaking each one of the bones in my feet... wondering how this girlalwaysonthevergeofananxietyattack was going to find the courage to keep calm and carry on during this fresh start...

... and as I moved out to the veranda to watch an amazing display of fireworks burst into the night sky above me, I didn't feel the sense of relief I had hoped seeing the last year {proverbially} spontaneously combust and fizzle out in to the harbour...

... then a wave of unbearable angst came over me and penetrated every feeble cell in my body...

... for it was at that moment that it hit me: I have absolutely no idea what this year has in store for me.

I couldn't make a list if I tried. I don't have a clue where I'll be. Or what I'll be doing. I don't even have a forwarding address. What am I doing with my life? Who quits their job, or more so entire life, without not so much as an immediate plan? Never. do. that. again. My nerves couldn't handle it a second time around... for they are shot; shot dead. I hate not knowing exactly what's next. I am a goal-setter. I am "the girl with a plan"...

... I have felt an enormous pressure to figure out my plan right this instant. To know exactly where I'm going, what I'll be doing and the outfit I'll be wearing when I arrive... Making brilliant resolutions has resonated in the back of my mind all week... and as I begin to panic quietly next to the window at Starbucks while unassuming patrons peacefully sip their lattes next to me... I've realize that the only one applying pressure is me. My oyster, the world,  does not require that I know right now... It will wait for me as I carefully decide what path to take next...

... and in actuality, almost unknowingly, I have been making progress everyday towards finding my way again. Slowly, I am piecing my heart back together. I am finding strength and reclaiming my independence. I am crying less and smiling spontaneously. I am recognizing the beauty in the small stuff, again and applying purpose to each day as they pass, so fleetingly. It's already eight days in to the new year and I've made huge strides {on a small scale} to finding out what amazing things are in store for me this year... starting with those resolutions. They aren't anything concrete, in fact I couldn't even think of them in whole sentences but here are the few things I intend to accomplish no matter where I am or what I am doing...

My {Fragmented} Toast to Twenty-Eleven:

Set an intention, daily. Incorporate red lipstick into my wardrobe. Live greener. Giggle lots. Learn to sew. Stay informed. Organize my life. Avidly read. Scatter optimism. Play nice. Document through photographs. Eat balanced. Write the novel inside my soul. Create. Learn to blow my hair dry like a professional. Do more yoga. Travel to South America. Run. Embrace freckles. Cosset a puppy. Master my career. Be frugal. Learn to cook, Julia Child style. Apply purpose. K.I.T. Drink more water. Blog, religiously. Host {swirly} parties. Dwell on the positive. Do more, meaningfully. Love. Love. Love.

Cheers.

1 comment:

~Rachel said...

You are amazing and you will do amazing things! And, aside from that, if you happen down to Ft. Myers before May, I would be more than happy to teach you how to sew!:-)