Tuesday, October 25, 2011


SoU(l)Cast- little time-outs in LIFE to remind myself that it’s okay to be brutally honest. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to be human…

I did it. I found her. That happy-go-lucky lover of life. Oh, she’s back alright, with a heightened sense of awareness for the things that truly matter. An awakened old soul that has catapulted right out of that less-than-incredible-rut, finding incredible beauty in the smallest of places now more than ever. It feels so fabulous to be genuinely happy again… and it radiates from every essence of my being. 

The scared and shattered unhappiness that jaded my view and catalyzed a sequelae of losing sight of who I really am, falling deeper and deeper in the depths of a cold, dark winter… is gone… and has taken all her insecurities with her. In its place is a restored confidence that has allowed me to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made and let go of what cannot be undone, with a rediscovered pathological optimism that makes me excited for the uncertainty that comes with each new day.

The world is my oyster and my goodness, is this renewed outlook on life a pearly, bright one. Seizing every opportunity that comes my way to be more… be better… be me. A rich life, full of strengthened friendships and meaningful travels, making amazing memories along the way. I have learned where I struggle and where I shine and am forever trying to balance my strengths and weaknesses. Give and take. Grow and fall. Ebb and flow.

As for M. and I, I’m not sure at what point over the last year that it happened but I lost him. I knew it was an incredible risk in leaving him… and I was never naïve to think he wouldn’t realize that he was better off without me… but I never fathomed he would change his mind… I lost my best friend::my soul mate::my future... and it pains me in a way I never thought possible. 

The ultimate paradox. If I hadn’t left, I would have never found the strength to move forward and reconnect with the girl he fell in love with. To find my way again by reinvesting my love in the outlets that make me happy. To find balance and relieve the unfair expectations put on the relationship. To love myself, in order to love him in the way he deserved. To realize what was right in front of me the entire time and learn to appreciate it. It was the force that enabled me to move forward, on the hardest of days, knowing that the end would be better than ever, in the-forever-is-not-long-enough sense.

But in finding myself, I lost him. I lost him.  

Did he see it as an ultimatum? Was I not worth fighting for?  Was it the wrong timing? Was I that easily replaceable? These are the questions that haunt me at night, as I long for the answers to help me understand why he is gone…

They say time heals everything and slowly, I am adjusting to a life without him in it but not a day goes by that I don’t miss him to the moon. His laugh. His midas touch. His meals. The look of fear that filled his eyes when I would begin to cry… but mostly I miss us. Our connection. Our conversations. Our hearts beating in cadence at night. Our big dreams...

Sometimes our dreams are not what life has planned and when this happens, you have to find the strength to dream a new dream. You have to find solace in knowing that he is happy, even if that happiness doesn’t include you anymore. You have to be thankful for the time that you did spend together and cherish those memories... You have to believe that everything truly does happen for a reason and while hearts were broken, important, albeit harsh, lessons were learned. 

He came in to my life at a time when I needed him most, to remind me to be carefree and show me what true love is. No one will ever love him like I did but when you truly, wholeheartedly love someone, you must let them go. Set them free in pursuit of their own happiness...

because as hard as it is, that is what life about… to be eternally happy.

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