Monday, December 03, 2012

throw it all into the ocean + let it be, pollyanna style.


I gotta go. It's time to spread my wings and fly, higher than the bluest skies. 

November 22nd: You are probably not cognizant of the fact that today marks the two year anniversary of that cold + snowy winter day when I unknowingly said good-bye to my best friend. I have replayed that moment over and over so many times in my mind, sometimes jolted awake by the nightmare realization that it really was the last time I would see your face, sometimes getting lost in intricate daydreams of alternate endings...

...I was gonna marry you.  

It was one of the first snowfalls of the winter. Our fingers had interlocked in the middle of the night + I woke up paralyzed to the sound of your heartbeat, wanting this moment to last forever. Morning came, not many words were exchanged as you got ready for work + I quietly gathered the last of my things around the apartment. A montage of the happier times raced through my mind, feeling conflicted as to why I would ever need to leave the comfort of this place. Tears rushed down my face as you balanced my boxes with your briefcase and I walked slowly behind you down that long hallway, noticing every contour of your body. Were you always this handsome?

The wooden floors creaked beneath us as we descended down the three flights of stairs of our old character apartment in silence. The wisps of wind stung my cheeks as we stepped out in to the middle of the street. A blanket of snow had covered the cars that lined Corydon overnight and as you drew me in, snowflakes landed on your lashes. I felt the world's spin slow down wrapped in your arms and as time stood still for just an instant, I saw the degree of assurance in your eyes as you kissed me. "Go find yourself. It will be okay. I love you." 

Just so you know, I never thought you'd let me go. 

& I never imagined just how okay I would really be. I never thought finding peace in my heart would emulate an overwhelming amount of gratitude from the very same place that used to be so stricken with pain. I am so-very-grateful for your ability to let me go; to recognize an irreconcilable difference that I could not see lost in the moment.

Throw it all in to the ocean + let it be. 

That happiness I set out in search of found its way to me, in the form of a fully restored heart, one that has found its beat again. You taught me a tremendous amount about myself + helped me to realize just what it is that I want in this world. I am a better person because of you. Thank you for coming in to my life at a time that I needed you the most + letting me love you in a way no one else could. & thank you for the many amazing memories we made that I will forever hold in a happy place in the deepest boroughs of my heart. 

I was your girl but in the end, it wasn't what you wanted.

A wise woman once said that it takes half the amount of time you dated someone to get over them + as I put the dream of us behind me for one final time, I stop + smile. She was absolutely right. Two years + an incredible amount of growth later, it feels so marvelous to carry on confidently in the direction of new dreams, pollyanna style.    

you, sir, were a wonderful four years.

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