shoulda been a cowboy.

To keep up with summer tradition, I convinced the boys to go horseback riding with me while I was home. We had the best time on our trail ride. I always have the most fun when I am with them and while I'm not sure they even know Suburbs of Utopia exists, they should because they are a huge part of my Utopia! While I believe they have mastered tuning out my lectures about what they are doing with their lives, they are two of the best guy friends a girl could ask for! Kevin (my cousin), who is horrible at keeping in touch and could really stand a good girl (cough...Kristy...cough) in his life to remind him to call his Mom and to bring his passport on international flights, has graciously let me tag along with all his friends for years! Some of my favorite memories growing up are with Kevin and Kara making bands in the basement and frying minnows on Grams' stove fireplace. It makes me happy to know I can still beat him at cribbage tournaments and that he is one unanswered text away! =) And whenever Kev tells his Auntie Bee "Don't worry, I left her in good hands!" she knows I'm with Matty, the once grade sixer who was the reason Grams had to implement the 12-inch rule at school dances! And she should probably still be following him around to socials and wedding receptions with her ruler.. just kidding! Matty is the big brother I never had - the one that will carry me when I step in a gopher hole and hurt my ankle, the one that will turn around to let me take a picture of a moose without complaining and won't make fun of me when I put on my sunglasses as I start to cry when I have to say good-bye at the end of each summer!

love them!

watch with glittering eyes.

Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you, because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it. - Roald Dahl

act globally, eat locally.

Today, Carly and I walked (roughly four miles round trip) to Studio City's Sunday Farmer's Market to indulge in all the super delicious locally grown fruits and vegetables! We sampled about ten different kind of pluots (in the photo above) before picking out a few to take home! It's really cute how everyone tells you to "Have a great week!" rightfully assuming we'll be back next weekend for more delightfulness.

los olivos.

Yesterday Carly and I took a day trip up the 101 to the Santa Barbara area for a day of wine tasting! We weren't really sure where we were headed and even packed a bag just in case we decided we wanted to spend the night. We put the address for Bridlewood, a vineyard with great reviews on yelp!, into our GPS and started to drive North along the most gorgeous coastline with the ocean on our left and rolling mountains to our right! The vineyard we went to had the most delectable cheese and scrumptious wine! =) From there (we actually ran into a girl that I work with) and she recommended going to Los Olivos (the quaint town pictured above)! It was incredible!! There was one street that had about ten tasting rooms in a row and fabulous wine-infused cupcakes (we tried four different kinds!) After our afternoon of awesomeness, we drove back down to Santa Barbara where we enjoyed the Spanish ambiance strolling along State Street before heading back to LA! It was a perfect day.

if everyone is the hero of their own story

... why is this heroine in need of some rescuing?!
aaaah ... it's August. Where the h-e-(insert random object that looks like an "L" and times it by two here) did July go?! When looking back at the month of July, it becomes clear to me where the thirty-one days that make up the month went .... first 13 in Canada, second 6 working, 1 day off to clean my apt before Megan came, 7 days with Megan, 3 nights back on shift (that's right... somehow I managed to work only NINE shifts the entire month long!?) and one final Friday night to watch Guys and Dolls at the Hollywood Bowl with Carly before the calendar turned over to August One!

While usually I love how fast time flies (because I have always thought it was a direct correlation to how much fabulousness you allow into your life!) I was really dreading the arrival of the month of August... and now it's here, out of nowhere... staring me in the face, asking me how I could possibly occupy one place for an entire year and yet, still feel so out of place, harboring much uncertainty as if I am on some hyperextended vacation where sleep is an amenity and I am just a guest checked in for a 365-day stay?!
August marks the one year anniversary of living in LA ... A LOT has happened in this last year! I moved across the country. I started a career (which I love!). I have learned what it takes to maintain friendships with thousands of miles and three hour time changes between us, instead of the usual bedroom door that separated four roommates for four years. I came to the realization that true love could actually just be two people with a general attraction being at the same place at the same time...regardless of how incredible your adoration for someone may be. I discovered the exact amount of caffeine that is required to stay awake all night long, saving lives no less.
I've fondly referred to this passed year as "the year of twenty-two" where I haven't quite become a full-blown adult but have definitely gotten my feet wet in the Pacific, as well as adulthood, by making huge life decisions including but not limited to making my entire life fit into my car, moving across the country, and entering the work force! While most people my age are still finishing their last year of college (I was always too young for my grade!), I reopened my savings account instead of seeing how many times I could swipe my debit card before it stopped working (usually near the end of a semester). I meet my friends at swirly resorts for wine tastings instead of at grungy bars for shot contests. I skype with Kara to see her life instead of driving two hours to tailgate. I read the USA Today instead of the Alligator. I've acquired a couple of stamps in my passport. I used all seven tiles in a game of Scrabble. I'm a member of a S.P.I. club. I know who Girltalk is. I eat organic.
Slowly but sweetly, this twenty-something is getting a grasp on prioritizing and becoming an adult but a bit betwixt and between at the end of our twelve-month lease, I have another big adult decision to make and I can't help but feel much angst towards the more pressing issues the month of August brings.... where do I go from here??
With Carly heading back to East Coast to pursue advertising, I will not be renewing my lease ... for I'm not really sure how to live in LA without her. Not just unsure of how to live (in LA) without her, I'm not too sure how to live in LA in general. I've been here for about a year and have yet to feel like this is home to me.
Despite the walls adorned with framed memories in a pathetic attempt to make it "homey", my apartment feels just as sterile as the day I moved in. Despite being single in a sea of the most beautiful people, it turns out I still have standards and being a self-righteous, pompous industry exec didn't make the list. Despite feeling lucky a year ago at this time that I didn't have ties to anywhere and therefore had no qualms about leaving life in Florida behind, I realized that I do have roots... and while they may not be the big cities in my childhood dreams, they are implanted in a place that has always been my home.
Taking chances is built in my DNA and while I feel no regrets about my fabulous "year of twenty-two" soaking up every cultural experience that came my way this past year... life in LA is not for me. I have about six weeks before I enter the "year of twenty-three"... where I intend to say good riddance to LA LA land and take a different chance...

la jolla.

l.y.t.a.b.

My best friend Megalina was here for an entire week and these select snapshots don't even begin to explain the week we had! From the moment she got off the plane we didn't stop moving... From biking down the Strand in Hermosa, to having drinks with Lauren in San Diego, to going to the SD Zoo, to sea kayaking thru caves in La Jolla, to eating seafood in Malibu, to going to Opening Night! at Improv Olympic, to shopping in Santa Monica, to hiking through hills, to seeing Octomom the Musical, to watching Austin Hartley-Leonard at Hotel cafe, to touring my NICCU, to seeing the Beatles! Cirque de Soleil in Vegas, to watching sunset at the Griffith Observatory ... it was a whirlwind week! =) Amidst the crazy agenda planned to the minute so she could get a feel for my (sur)real life in LA and the endless conversations about our pasts, presents, and futures over sushi, bottles of vodka, thai food, jugs of water, Indian food and on our daily road trips... Megalina taught me a few things about my life I've meaning to figure out... She helped me realize why statues of Greek Gods at the Getty Villa make me blush. She pointed out that the anxiety I associate with LA may just be in my head as she never quite reached the level of angst I constantly felt/feel. She graciously suggested that going off the beaten path isn't always rewarding when the same steep path is the only way back down and highly recommended me staying on the trail when hiking alone. She reminded me that just because I'll be in LA by myself starting next month doesn't mean that I'll be alone. She agreed that despite the glam you generally associate with Hollywood, it's really an overrated sea of fake people where the cost of living is too high and the traffic is not worth the drive...anywhere. She just smiled and sang along when I insisted on playing the same three songs the entire time she was here. She enabled me to compartmentalize my options for where to go from here. She assured me that the movie in my head will one day be a reality. She talked me through the post-childhood fear I developed at the top of the ferris wheel on the Santa Monica Pier. She showed me that no matter how much distance is between us, we will never grow apart.

l.y.t.a.b.

desert destination.

For two fabulous days between working five shifts one week and four shifts the following week before flying to Canada for two wonderful weeks, Carly, Lindsay and I roadtripped through the desert for a relaxing getaway at the most incredible resort in Scottsdale. We had the best time sipping pina coladas and relaxing by the pool during the day (soaking up the scorching hot 105 degrees sun), drinking sangria and listening to the live Spanish music in the evening, shopping at all the cute (closed) boutiques and dancing the night away at one of my favorite bars at night! It was so wonderful getting to spend quality time with Megan and David who work for the Hyatt and got us VIP service complete with champagne in our room; thanks for letting us crash ya'll's holiday! I had almost forgotten to post about the trip because I was so busy before I left (and have worked everyday since I've been back in LA) but I had a reminder of the trip waiting for me in the mail when I got home - a $181 speeding ticket - so thank you, Arizona Department of Public Safety, for reminding me to post some pictures from our fantastic desert destination! 

Megan and David

Sangria and Flamenco

Enjoying our complimentary champagne on our balcony

poolside.

cooling off in the grottos.

time flies...

...when you have no idea where your life is headed and it is all you can think about but... are having fun, of course! It breaks my heart a little to know July is more than halfway over and I haven't posted a single thing. It's not that I haven't been doing anything worth photographing (I've actually filled up an entire memory disc with all the photog opps I've encountered in the past month) and it's not like I haven't been ruminating about life's trials and tribulations (For the first time I am lost feeling like I live a life that holds no real meaning and I've spent countless hours researching where to go from here that would hold any meaning to me .... I mean saving lives!... working six of the seven nights since I returned from Canada on Monday!) and life certainly hasn't been anti-climatic  (there has been several miracles and mishaps that would have made quality entries including but not limited to communal lap pools, receiving speeding tickets in the mail, using all my tiles in Scrabble and running into a great friend from high school in the minneapolis airport!!) While a part of me wishes time (and those two weeks with dial-up at the lake) was to blame for the lack of blogging, I have spent every waking moment (and there are a lot of them when you literally never sleep!) penciling in deadlines and filling out forms and writing cheques for application fees, I'm starting to feel as though I'm two CDs and a mortgage away from actually being an adult and I'm beginning to think it's more that the real world is finally catching up to me, more so crashing down on me ... and all it's responsibilities and importance leave no time to procrastinate... which, let's be honest, was how I started blogging in the first place three summers ago when writing about my life seemed like a much better way to pass the time than study for nursing school. 

he offered her the world....

...she said she had her own.

I've been doing a lot of brainstorming as to what the next chapter of my memoir I will one day write will be and feeling like I have the world at my finger tips... I'm not too sure where I will go from here. The world is my oyster, as they say (whoever they are), so I've been weighing out all my options and I have been trying to come up with one of those "five year plans" all those adults talk about... Mr. Hallam once told me that you have to begin with the end in mind and so I have been trying to visualize where I see myself at the age of 27 and because I can't seem to get past how old that sounds, I have not successfully envisioned myself doing anything at almost thirty... I know what I would like to see on my resume: a masters degree at the University of Texas in Austin, a membership to NANN, the critical care nurse certification, volunteerism. I know I will like to have traveled: backpack Europe for a summer, travel nurse in Australia, hike the Inca Trail. I know I would like to keep challenging myself: triathlons, standardized tests, etc but none of these life experiences seem to be pointing in a direction that brings me any closer to settling down or attaining any sort of stability in my life. While I love the fact that I honestly cannot remember the last time I have felt "bored," I know that I cannot average 2..5 hours of sleep a night and still function for forever. I have about six months (this is a self-selected time frame of just how much longer I can physically/mentally handle living in LA) to figure out what direction I will go in from here... I could head back East and move to NYC, get it out of my blood to live the Carrie Bradshaw life of Broadway plays, art gallery openings and great sushi on every city block. I could go north and breathe fresh air for awhile, explore the Great Outdoors and get away from city life for awhile. I could go abroad and immerse myself in a fabulous culture refreshingly different yet slightly similar enough to still work in the same profession... like Australia! =) It's tough making life decisions that will impact the course of the rest of your life. Tired of being an oyster, I've decided to try life as a pearl for awhile ... by spending the next seventeen days re-entering into my pseudo-retirement with Grams.  

dirty dancing.

Carly, Paige and I had the time of our lives when we went to see the classic Dirty Dancing in an interesting musical/play/dancing stage show at the Pantages Theatre a couple of weeks ago! =)

bloom.

All around her things bloom nonstop.

summer solstice.

Carly and I will be enjoying some R & R this weekend at the Hyatt Regency Resort and Spa in Scottsdale!! What better way to spend the longest day of the year than by soaking up the Phoenix sun laying by the resort's "water playground"! The most exciting part of our trip will be meeting up with Megan and her boyfriend, David, who are in Phoenix on holidays!! =)

spirit of adventure.

Weather in the valley has been extremely overcast recently and to beat the June gloom on my weekend off, Carly and I donned some super cool 3D glasses Saturday afternoon and headed to the ultra-touristy Hollywood/Highland to watch Up! at El Capitan. It was amazing! Not only was the movie super cute (it had a hot air balloon, my fave!) but the whole theatre palace experience was indescribable... there was a stage show with Disney characters and an organist who played all the clasic Disney songs!! NBC/Universal offers free screening of two movies a month to their employees in their private theatres on the Universal backlots. From the heart of Hollywood, we headed over to Universal Studios in Burbank to watch a screening of Away We Go before spending the day in Santa Monica Sunday to watch Angels & Demons with our book club. This weekend has me still feeling like a tourist in my "hometown"...

my days are numbered.

After spending the entire week frantically searching for my planner... I finally found it in my beach bag amongst three bottles of tanning oil, four packets of Splenda and a tube of chapstick. After carefully reviewing all the things I missed this past week and ensuring my life is still on track for the next 6 months, here's what I have come to realize:

Five more days until I am basking in the Phoenix sun poolside with my besties.

Fourteen days until I will be boarding a plane to Canada for a fabulous seventeen day holiday by the lake!

Ninety days until I am completing my first triathlon in Malibu.... which means twelve weeks until Danny (Megan's fiance!) and I run the Rock n Roll Half Marathon in Virginia Beach the weekend before my tri!

Three weeks until Country Fest ...

Five weeks until Megalina comes to Los Angeles to "eat good food and lay on a beach!"   

Eight weeks until I am in Knoxville volunteering at a summer camp for kids with terminal illnesses as the camp nurse with Kara and her PA class!

One month until I start the Scratch DJ Academy.

Three months until Grams and Auntie Linda come to LA.. which means only three months until I turn twenty-three!

Five months until I am bridesmaid and Megan and Danny tie the knot!! 

Six months until Kara's white coat ceremony...

Throw in Christmas and the New Year and that's where my planner ends... 

love is a mix tape.

I've been reading a number of memoirs recently... possibly subconsciously researching how to write my own memoir one day. While I can't currently put my finger on just how I want the tone of the book to come across, I found this book "Love is a Mix Tape" by Rob Sheffield in the autobiography section and I quite liked it. I loved how he compared a relationship and the loss of that relationship to a number of playlists in each chapter.  While I wouldn't use this as a template for my book (it's obviously already been done).. I did decide to make a play list about love of my very own: 

1. Marc Cohen - True Companion

2. Avril Lavigne - Why

3. John Mayer - Comfortable

4. Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy

5. Rod Stewart - Broken Arrow

6. Keith Urban - Stupid Boy

7. Anberlin - Inevitable

8. Ben Harper - Walk Away

9. Adele - Make You Feel My Love

10. Matt White - Best Days

11. Zac Brown Band - Got Whatever It Is 

12. Colbie Caillat - Magic

13. The Wreckers - Leave the Pieces

14. Lady Antebellum - All We'd Ever Need

15. The Fray - Over My Head

16. Josh Kelley- Tidal Wave

17. Taylor Swift- Picture to Burn

18. Brett Dennen - Just Like the Moon

19. Sugarland - Happy Ending

20. James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover

s.y.t.y.c.d.

Yay!! So You Think You Can Dance has started again!! The one show I make a point to watch is back on FOX Wednesday and Thursday nights for the entire summer! Watching this season brings about a whole new feeling of familiarity now that we have met My Nigel and all the judges/choreographers at the all access party after the LA show of their tour last October!! I was completely enamored by C and I's first "SO LA" experience and this is still one of my favorite memories living in LA!! =) 

weight of the world.

For most people, scent is their language of memory and distinct smells bring back the most vivid memories. While certain fragrances do remind me of significant places and people (jasmine reminds me of Italy, Gap cologne reminds me of Australia, patchouli reminds me of my mum, creatine reminds me of ex-boyfriends)... it's music that brings back the most memorable moments for me! Outkast - "Ms. Jackson" will always remind me of keg parties in high school. Lifehouse - "You and Me" will always remind me of rocking Kate to sleep as a baby. Black Crowes - "She Talks to Angels" will always remind me of myself. Rent - "Seasons of Love" will forever remind me of dance parties with my roommates in college. Justin Timberlake - "Chop Me Up" will always make me smile thinking of road trips with Jess, particularly to Panama City Beach where we caught the flu and sang Rascal Flatts - "Stand" for weeks until we were well enough to stand again. Jessica Simpson - "With You" will always remind me of my first love and Avril Lavigne -"Why" will always remind me of when that love ended. Buckcherry - "Crazy B*itch" will always take me back to a chick swinging from a rafter at a biker bar in Phoenix. Taylor Swift - Mary's Song (Oh My My My) was the song that evoked the most butterflies when I realized I would have said yes and her "White Horses" is what got me through never getting the opportunity to. Kid Rock - "All Summer Long" will always remind me of driving across the country with Grams last summer and more recently, Beyonce - "Single Ladies" will always remind me of my time in Los Angeles! 

But there is an entire cd that got me through one of the most trying times of my life .... Chantal Kreviazuk: What If It All Means Something. For the latter half of high school, I spent most nights crying myself to sleep wondering what it all could mean and there is one song that I feel like got me through it - "Weight of the World" - where her lyrics became my mantra and I really did go from carrying the weight of the world to spreading my wings... to fly! 

It seems like I got off on a bit of a tangent writing this post... I was originally just going to say that seeing live shows at hotel cafe is incomparable to anything else and that I was amazed again last night when I went to see Chantal Kreviazuk perform ... but I guess my preface gives you insight of why I thought she was just so fabulous! 

allow natural death.

One of my favorite parts about being a nurse is how much you never stop learning. I can honestly say I learn something new (more often like ten new things) every night and it's exciting to me that no shift is the same. No patient is the same. No disease is the same. And most certainly, no twelve hours are the same. While this is the most exciting aspects of my job, at times, it is also the scariest. I have spent the last three years desperately seeking all the knowledge I can in order to make the most informed decisions when advocating for my patients. I spent the first two of those years learning an overwhelming amount of information that felt like was spoken in a foreign language. Once I became fluent and started being in a practical setting where I can apply all that I have learned, I realized I wasn't taught anything that I use on a daily basis and honestly do not apply any what I learned in nursing school. Neonatal nursing is so specialized, we didn't learn much of anything that is applicable on my unit and unfortunately, I feel like I have forgotten so much of it already -hypertension, diabetes, etc. It would be impossible to have a Guide to Nursing for Dummies containing everything you need to know because you just cannot be taught it all in a classroom and I have learned to be conscious of the fact that I don't know what all that I don't know and still frequently ask questions just to triple check; I have a tiny life in my hands and the smallest mistake could mean life or death in a neonate.

As a nurse, you strive to do everything in your power to heal your patient. It's that innate drive to want to rid someone of their pain, to help them to heal and grow stronger... but what do you do when you are ordered not to? What questions do you ask when your patient is too sick and any intervention would just be causing more pain? Delaying the inevitable? When there is nothing else we can do. When no medical intervention would serve any purpose but to prolong death. When treatment would only cause more harm than good. This is the ethical dilemma that is becoming more familiar to me ... to allow natural death. By setting aside all the life-saving skills I have been taught. By watching a mother stand over her child helplessly crying at the bedside. By watching a patient slowly deteriorate until finally they are at peace.

It's a strange phenomenon that it appears as though certain defects or diseases come in waves on my unit. Trisomy 18, gastroschisis, TAPVR... and the current theme: Allow Natural Death. As I sit here for the fourth night in two weeks watching a baby gasp as he takes his final breaths, I try to look at it from a medical prospective. The baby is better off. He is no longer in pain. He is no longer suffering but there is a part of me that cannot disengage. Cannot let go of the fact that this is not just a disease; it's somebody's child. A baby with a name, two eyes, one nose, ten fingers, ten toes...

As I watched a family be informed that there was nothing else we could do to save their baby for the first time back in December, the chaplain that was called to the bedside told me "The day you stop crying is the day you should quit your job". Fearing I might drown in my own tears tonight, I have a feeling I will be a nurse for a long time.

lifelong learners.

While I don't often blog about our Society of Promoting Intellectualism (mainly because it's impossible to put the enlighting meeting into words) Carly, Lindsay, Angie and I do meet at local coffee shops about twice a month to discuss fabulous topics/current events to further our learning. We recently chose to present an artist by taking a field trip to a local art museum to see their art. Last Sunday, we went to the Norton Simon Museum in Pasadena and I selected the French artist, Henri Matisse, whose illustrations of love poems are currently on display. It was a lot of fun to look at the art and walk around the sculpture garden. My favorite part (and most blogworthy aspect) of our meetings are the reaction we get from the spectators eavesdropping around us. "Oh, honey, look... it's a self-help group." "Wow, I really learned a lot from listening in on your meeting." The best reaction we got was from a man who offered to take a picture of us in the sculpture garden. "Oh, are you guys art majors?" and without hesitation (or pretentiousness) Lindsay responded "No, we're just lifelong learners." I am currently researching the Galileo Affair for my next assignment when me and my fellow literati meet to watch and review Angels & Demons next Sunday! =)

acqua al 2.

When Carly and I studied abroad at the Apicius Culinary Institute of Florence in Italy a few summers ago, one of our favorite meals was a blueberry steak from a local favorite, Acqua al 2, in Florence. Only a few days after trying this amazing entree, the man who prepared the steak showed up as a guest professor in my cooking class! I never really knew what happened to our original chef but I wasn't complaining when Stefano, the adorable executive chef who owned Acqua al 2, would greet us each morning not only adding his own flare to our traditional textbook recipes but also preparing things completely separate from our course... including this amazing fruit tart he taught us how to make using extra supplies in our kitchen! Before leaving Florence, he insisted we come try his seafood restaurant for our last meal where he brought us out all kinds of things to try... including octupus that still had it's tentacles! I was so excited to try his restaurant in the Gaslamp district of San Diego while we were there! The ambience was the same. The menu was the same... and the blueberry steak was just as amazing as I remember! The only thing missing was my Italian amore. I dream of the day I'll return to Firenza to find him again...

san diego zoo.

As you can see by this map, the SD Zoo is huge!! There are so many exhibits and so many different animals, it was awesome! We saw elephants, monkeys, chimps, gorillas, polar bears, otters, pandas, koala bears, zebras, giraffes, rhinos... we spent the entire morning looking at the different species and left around 2:00 when all the children in the park were ready for their naps! 

san diego.

Because I have spent my time home from San Diego working 2 22-hour shifts, 2 12-hour shifts, falling in love, survived one killer hangover (maybe I'm not as mature as I thought!) at an art museum and concluded my crazy weekend with a 24 hour nap (that's right... I lost an entire day of my life to sleep!) before heading over to Last Call's studio to watch a Greenday concert with Vanessa Minello yesterday, I have neglected blogging the past few days... Here's the highlights of our heart-healthy weekend away to San Diego for Memorial Weekend...

learning a lot by the pool...

twenty-two and still find the carousel incredibly invigorating...

our extra ordinary dessert

The Shout House - where I have to credit my Canadian citizenship card (where I am 5 y/o in the picture) to getting me in!

the view of our pool from our balcony

waiting in line at Extraordinary desserts.

the view of the bay from twenty-one floors up

taking Sydney's Eos for her first (of many to come!) road trip!