Saturday, December 25, 2010

M.F.T. #22: The Magic of Christmas

I have to admit I haven't been in much of the Christmas spirit this year. I didn't hang a single ornament. I didn't pick out coordinating wrapping paper and wrap a bunch of thoughtful presents. I didn't send a single card. I didn't bake any gingerbread cookies (I don't think I ever did this but it sounds like something I should be doing...). I didn't start a countdown and call me Ebenezer!! but until yesterday, I wasn't even sure what day Christmas actually fell on. 
I feel somewhat hypocritical this December. While I have forced myself to take time out of every day this month to remind myself of things that make me happy (and how spoiled am I that I have so many favorite people/things in my life!), I have secretly spent the other remaining minutes of each day dwelling on the fact that this Christmas, my heart is breaking... and no amount of carolling or egg nog has allowed me to escape that pain. So I have done the only thing I can do about it and that is to endure it...and it hasn't been pretty. I've channeled some of my sorrow through writing, released some of my anger at the gym but mostly I've spent a vast majority of my days grieving my loss the only way I know how: analyzing/crying/repeat. Sometimes your dreams just isn't what life has planned and as I fall asleep tonight wishing for the one thing I waited all year for... to be waking up in a winter wonderland to the pitter patter of a four-year-old running above me who can hardly contain the excitement of Santa's arrival... I'm reminded of the four-year-old that usually comes out in me on Christmas Eve... when the magic of Christmas comes to life! For Santa Claus comes tonight!
My mom was exceptionally good at keeping the mystery of Santa Claus alive. I'm quite certain Kara + I were the last of our friends to believe in St Nic (*Sidenote: as I write this sentence, I actually googled "Santa Claus isn't real" to make sure I am not the first person to post it on the internet!*) and long after my mom knew we were in on her little secret, she still would use her reverse psychology (did anyone else have to deal with a mom who had a degree in neuropsychology growing up?) on us, trying to trick us in to thinking Santa and the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny were real. She had good collateral as they all spoiled us rotten, knowing EXACTLY what we wanted... in the right size and colour... so the thought of them not coming simply because we didn't believe in them was taunting to a 12-year-old. 
But as I grow older both physically and cognitively, I've never been so sure of my belief in Santa Claus! Not so much in the North Pole, the elves or the reindeer... but the concept of him! A warmth that brings families together. A spirit that inspires you to give to those around you. A season filled with so much cheer. The magic of Christmas is most certainly real and it fills the hearts of everyone who believes in it, even the broken ones.      

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